


anxious

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-19 13:54:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20658329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: #10





	anxious

**Author's Note:**

> i really shouldnt

I was doing well. I was happy.

Years of depression, then I felt like I could breathe again.

But now what am I?

I started writing all these, cuz I wanted...  
I don’t really know. It’s unclear.

Anyways. thinker, forward, consider, lonely, drifting. Ones I like, the rest I don’t.

I made the mistake of, relapsing. I only managed one cut, and then another. But this one, went deeper than I’ve ever gone before. I didn’t even feel it, but I was so shocked, that I stopped my relapse session.

Maybe a week went by? I don’t really know. But I did it again, much shallower, but more plentiful. I kept on as normal.

At the time of writing this, yesterday, I cut again. I don’t think I can deceive myself any longer. It’s no longer ‘relapsing’. It’s cutting. I’ve gone back to cutting! I thought I was better. When I had gone to therapy, and was getting better, I promised myself I would never feel this way again. But here I am.

Just before the first relapse, I was starting to be bothered with suicidal thoughts. But I distracted myself, blew them off. 

Now I can’t. It’s become one of the only things I can think about. I want it to stop. I want it all to stop! The sadness, the misery, the hopelessness, the guilt, the fear, the nagging thoughts, I want them all gone. This week has been one of the worst for me. I usually never cry, because I don’t want to seem weak. Even if I’m alone, I still try not to. It’s embarrassing! Nobody put the “crying is weakness” into my head but me. But even now, it’s like I don’t have control over my tears. This week, I’ve cried about every day. For the longest time, until my eyes are raw and my breathing is fast, and I’m light-headed. It’s like I can’t stop. But I plan on making it stop, very soon.

I just wanted to say that. Bye now.


End file.
